Jason Silver

Wednesday, June 18th, 2025

Lying to Myself

Any easy way to damage my reputation is to start lying to people. It undermines trust, destroys communication, and effectively puts up a wall between me and others. But the worst kind of lie is the one I tell myself.

I can construct elaborate scenarios to underpin my lie, and convince myself they're true. If I repeat it enough, and it becomes the foundation upon which all of my other lies rest, then I'm on my way to real imprisonment. It's funny though, because it's a prison of our own making, and our pride is the jailer.

Today I read about Saul lying to Samuel after failing to completely destroy Israel's enemy, the Amalekites. When Samuel walks up to him, the first thing Saul says is, “The Lord bless you! I have obeyed the Lord’s commands.”

In fact, he did not. Even though God explicitly instructed Saul to completely destroy the Amalekites, Saul kept King Agag alive, and all the valuable plunder, down to the smallest lamb.

This conversation between Saul and Samuel would be funny, were it not so pitiful.

13 When Samuel came near to Saul, Saul greeted him and said, “The Lord bless you! I have obeyed the Lord’s commands.”
14 But Samuel said, “Then what is that sound I hear? Why do I hear sheep and cattle?”
15 Saul said, “The soldiers took them from the Amalekites. They saved the best sheep and cattle to burn as sacrifices to the Lord your God. But we destroyed everything else.”
16 Samuel said to Saul, “Stop! Let me tell you what the Lord told me last night.”

Let's examine that a bit. Saul blames the soldiers. He tries to put the disobedience in a holy light, saying that what he kept was just to sacrifice to God! Minimizing the seriousness of disobedience, not accepting criticism and responsibility, blaming those he oversees; you can tell Saul is more concerned about pride and humiliation than he is about pleasing God.

Samuel initially refused to return with Saul to stand before the people. This was the cost of rejecting God: he would not have the support of God's prophet, Samuel.

After Samuel made that clear, one can almost hear the petulance in Saul's voice:

30 Saul answered, “All right, I sinned! But please come back with me. Show me some respect in front of the leaders and the Israelites. Come back with me so that I may worship the Lord your God.” 31 Samuel went back with Saul, and Saul worshipped the Lord.

Based on Saul's subsequent behaviour, he didn't really own his sin. He was still worried about what the leaders and the Israelites would think. I wonder how different that day may have been if he was honest with himself and God. I'm reminded of the time David owned his own sin when confronted by the prophet Nathan. Rather than deny reality, rather than make excuses, David cried out in penitence, which we can read in Psalm 51.

Let's learn from these stories.

Lord, help me to not lie to myself. Help me to take responsibility for my sin, and be honest with you and myself.

Amen